These selections are from a small book that has made me laugh every time I read it, it's called "Do Unto Others, 1000 Hilarious Ways to Screw with People's Heads", by Justin Heimberg and David Gomberg - all rights over these selections & quotes are theirs, and the book may be purchased here (on Amazon)..
These are some of my favorites:
Decidedly Demented Things to Do in a Mall:
1) Offer to pay for things in "tales of adventure",
2) At Barnes & Noble, fake like you're speed-reading Dostoyevsky at an absurd rate. Nod and chuckle occasionally.
3) Open all jars of tennis balls, inhale fumes, tell people in a giggly slur that "Sports Authority is so much better if you're stoned."
Unbelievably Unsettling Things to Do in a Job Interview:
1) When interviewer goes to shake your hand, suddenly pull it away, rub through hair, and slyly say, "Psych."
2) Use the term "apeshit" as much as possible,
3) Quote Rommel a little too often,
4) Submit resume & personal essay in haiku,
5) Yawn into hand, plunge hand into pocket and say, "I'll save that for later."
6) Tell interviewer to "hold on a second," then pull out a minicorder and say softly into it: "Idea for story. Tightass corporate type falls for unqualified interviewee..."
7) Answer all questions in interpretive dance
8) When s/he first addresses you, say, "That's my name, don't wear it out!"; chortle uproariously.
Things to Do When You're the Boss:
1) Hire a team of people to dress up like Elijah Mohammed's bodyguards and form a protective phalanx around you. Have them shout things like "Tell it!" and "What he said!" after each of your comments during a presentation.
Terrible Things to Do When Meeting the In-Laws for the First Time:
1) Nod politely as you are told something and then say, "That's interesting, uh..." And then double-barrel middle fingers at the speaker
2) Act disinterested in anything one of them has to say, and enthralled with the other. When the "boring" one speaks, make the yapping gesture with your hand,
3) Use the phrase "skull-fuck" more than one might expect. Use it as various parts of speech.
Beautifully Blasphemous Things to Do in Church:
1) Pencil in "Malone" next to each "Moses" in the Bible
2) Start the wave
Endlessly Entertaining Things to Do in School:
1) Let nosey neighbors see your doodle: a stick figure that says "Mommy" being flogged by two midgets while a donkey watches with a big smile on his face. All of this in a thought-bubble of a fish.
Things to Do on a Term Paper:
1) Have a written lisp
2) Blatantly attempt to lengthen your paper by giving it poetry-like margins, triple-spacing it, employing the "paragraph ending with one word on a line" trick, and heading the paper with your name, the date, class, astronomical sign, and mood.
Things to Do in a Debate:
1) Parry insightful comments with defiant, "Talk to the hand." Escalate to, "Talk to the fist 'cause the hand is pissed."
2) Make the "he's been drinking" sign and point while opponent speaks. Preface your rebuttals with "That's the liquor talking."
Splendidly Strange Things to Do in an Elevator:
1) Enter out of breath. Ask people if they are "Milton," if they know where where you can find him. Leave at the next floor, swearing
2) As you exit, dive out Indiana Jones-style, then retrieve hat just in time
3) As person exits, whisper "I love you" just as doors shut
4) Air guitar to elevator music
5) Air trombone
Things to do at the Department of Motor Vehicles:
1) As you buckle in for driving test, pull out frozen fish sticks and place them on the dash. State, "I never go anywhere without these guys." Call one of the fish sticks Francis and scold him repeatedly throughout the test.
2) After successfully parallel parking, crack a beer out of the glove box. Tell evaluator that parallel parking is a "real bitch"
Uncomfortable Things to Do at a Strip Joint:
1) On the juke box, select unerotic, undanceable music for the strippers to dance to. Examples: "My Way," "The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round," the theme to "Maude."
Funny Things to Do on a Beach:
1) Scream with youthful enthusiasm "Seniors 2010!" Storm toward the beach, then trip and tumble. Feign severe injury
Funny Things to Do at Museums:
1) Look at painting, turn to others and say in an irritated tone, "I can do that." Repeat with every painting in museum.
Funny Things to Do When Playing Golf:
1) Bury yourself in a sand trap garbed in a Union uniform with a note from 1845 and a bottle of old brandy
Funny Things to Do at a Scrabble Tournament:
1) Insist every word has a silent "K." Challenge your opponent on this axiom every turn, acting just as surprised each time you realize your folly. Claim the dictionary is old or British.
2) Play increasingly dubious words: "feltwad," "koopest," "fudgeball."
3) Talk shit. "What's up? Gotta trade in a 'Q?' He's all dressed up but no-where to go. 'Cause I got the 'U's." Or "Who wants a hundred-tile whoop-ass?"
Funny Things to Do at a Club/Bar:
1) Order fake drinks such as a "Bloated Pilgrim", a "Limbless Mime", and a "Compromising Marxist". Feign rage or hurt when the bartender shamefully admits ignorance.
2) Send over a bowl of olives to a group of ladies. Offer a sly wink as they get them.
Wonderfully Warped Things to Do at a Gym:
1) Spot intense weightlifters and discourage effort. "Don't worry about it, don't strain. You don't have to prove anything."
2) Demonstrate your new "exercise": Arms outstretched, palms out, rigid lock-kneed high kicks.
3) Workout music: "Ride of the Valkyries," full volume
4) Perform violent humping motion in place
5) Eye barbell menacingly. Strike yourself in the chest, crank neck, and exhale forcefully to psyche yourself up. Do this for forty straight minutes and then walk away.
Brilliantly Baffling Things to Do at the Office if You Don't Give a Crap Anymore:
1) Spray a mist of gin on all reports and personal effects.
2) Create a computer file called "Bird Fetish". Leave it conspicuously on your desk top. Fill it with doctored photos of naked men surrounded by sparrows.
Rude Things to Do When Dealing with Annoying People:
1) At an annoying date, fill pants with mulch, let a little fall out from time to time, whisper, "Oh no, it's happening again"
2) Repeatedly use the word "milkweed" as an adjective, as in "This has been really milkweed."
3) Attempt to do napkin origami. Fail. Be ruthlessly hard on yourself with "I suck!"s and "I'm such a loser!"s
Terrible Things to Do at a Funeral:
1) Give a bogus eulogy citing fake anecdotes like "the brisket debacle" and the "time he arm-wrestled James Kahn."
Terrible Things to Do at a Birthday Party:
1) Fill a piñata with a) beef fat, b) hot oatmeal, c) live bees
Funny Things to Do at a High School Reunion:
1) Reminisce about completely bogus fads, including: asparagus around the neck, the silver shin craze, the boy group "The Felt Marvels."
Funny Things to Do at Sporting Events:
1) Try to start unusual chants like, "Go home Carnies!" or "Put in Clooney!" or "That one came straight out of the cauldron."
Funny Things to Do on the Road:
1) At a traffic light, wait till car drives up next to you, suddenly pull seat lever, plummet backward
Funny Things to Do If Pulled Over by a Cop:
1) Offer him a spoonful of gravy if he'll let you go. Slyly show him the bowl in the glove compartment. Wink.
More Unbelievably Unsettling Things to Do in a Job Interview:
1) Look at family photos on interviewer's desk and gag
2) Incorrectly correct his/her grammar. Example: "Between you and I. I don't feel good. My Afro are unkempt."
3) If he'she sharpens a pencil, clap hands like a tot and say, "Make the sound again."
4) Calmly and consistently refer to your interviewer by an incorrect name such as "Wotarn." When they correct you, nod like you understand, then continue to call him/her "Wotarn."
5) Add suffix "balls" to some of your wordballs
6) Quote narrative actions in book, e.g., "If I might quote The Great Gatsby, 'Daisy walked over to the door and picked up the mail.' " Act as if a forceful point has been made.
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